Miller’s Musings Parshas Toldos: A Good Reflection Of Yourself

לעילוי נשמת לאה בת אברהם ד בס”

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Quote of the Week: “Never make permanent decisions”

Miller’s Musings

פרשת תולדות

A Good Reflection Of Yourself

Eisav was someone you probably did not want to get on the wrong side of. In spite of this, Yaakov, following the instructions of his mother Rivka had done just that and the results were rather incendiary. Eisav had resolved to kill his brother Yaakov for seemingly cheating him out of his blessing and Rivka knew that this was no idle threat. Fearing for his life she instructed him to flee to her native land until Eisav’s anger had abated. She bid him to stay there “until the anger of your brother subsides. Until your brother’s wrath against you subsides…”. It is the apparent repetition of needing to wait for Eisav’s rage to diminish that requires our attention and elucidation.

One of the many teachings that Reb Chaim of Volozhin imparted to his students was with regard to how to deal with conflict and enmity. He subscribed to the principal that if someone is hated by another and they wish that this not be so, to achieve peace they must first look within their own hearts and search for any anger towards this person. For if they are able to give the benefit of the doubt to the one who dislikes them, to the point that their heart feels only goodwill with regard to the other, at this point the discord will immediately dissipate. Their hatred will only ever exist if it is a reflection of your own. Based on this concept, his son Reb Itzele resolves our question. Rivka, in her directives towards Yaakov, was telling him the means by which Eisav would be placated and should be read as follows. “”And you shall stay with him…until the anger of your brother subsides”, and when will this be? Only “until the wrath against your brother subsides from you.” When you Yaakov can begin to overcome every last vestige of negativity you feel for him, then, and only then, will you know his animosity and ire will have come to an end.

I do not believe that any of us enjoy disputes, discord or even relatively minor tension in our relationships. We all want to live in harmony, beloved by all and with feelings of only friendship towards each other. Yet often when this is not the case, we find it incredibly challenging to settle issues and restore the kinship that we seek. We are unable to broker a reconciliation and this can be for a number of reasons. Perhaps our pride tells us that it is not us that should be making the first move, especially given their culpability in what has occurred. It may be that we believe that our initiating some form of compromise or appeasement would be admitting fault. Or could it be that we are concerned that our movements towards peace will not be reciprocated and we will be left feeling more hurt and perhaps irrevocably so. But if we do truly want the peace that we claim to be so precious to us, then the first step must be working on our own feelings and ensuring they are in line with how we would want the other to view us. We must remove hatred, anger and ill will from our hearts and regard all others with compassion, understanding and love.

*May this Shabbos lead us to love each other and for them to love us back*

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Parshas Toldos

We all know the famous story that Yitzchak wanted to give the berachos to Esav and Rivka (through Divine assistance) instructed Yaakov to take them instead. After Esav found out what Yaakov had done he hated Yaakov “because of the berachah with which his father had blessed him” (27:41).

Why was Esav so upset? He committed many crimes and did not seem to be so bothered about Hashem!

Someone who has a monetary court case with someone else and loses, often gets very upset and angry. But that same person, when faced with a situation of uncertainty over whether something is treif or not, even if it worth a lot of money, will not get too upset if the Rav tells him that it is indeed treif despite having lost a lot of money. What is the difference? Either way he loses out but there is a big difference. Was there someone else who won or not? If no-else won, then he maybe a little upset, but he’ll get over it quickly. Whereasw when someone else gains at his expense, then it really bothers him and he’ll be fuming.

Esav would not have been bothered had Yaakov received his own berachos, rather Esav was angry because Yaakov took the berachos that were “meant to be” for Esav. Esav did not just lose, Yaakov won. (R’ Yonasan Eibishitz – quoted)

Harmful Hands

This week’s parsha, Toldos, contains the episode in which Yaakov “tricked” his father, Yitzchak, in to believing that he was Esav, thereby receiving the brochos which were meant for his older brother.

The Torah relates how Yaakov dressed himself in a way that his blind father, through feeling him would be convinced that he was Esav. Yitzchak after feeling the hands of, and then hearing the voice of the person in front of him, exclaimed “the hands are the hands of Esav and the Voice is the voice of Yaakov”- how is it possible that the hands belong to one person the voice to another- it can’t be!

The Sages learn from this remark of Yitzchak that the voice- the prayer/ Torah learning of Yaakov is not only incompatible but the antidote to the “handy work” of Esav.

As Jews and proud descendants of Yaakov, we are required to champion his approach to life, one which promises a life of meaning and fulfillment rather than “poaching the trade” of the descendants of our great uncle Esav who preached a life of “the hands”, one of physicality- a life of forever chasing the never reachable.

The road to success in life for us is to follow in the ways of our grandfather Yaakov and stay away from the Esav approach and that way we’ll keep his hands at bay and live in peace.

R’ Ezer Pine

Pirkei Avos 1

Rav Dessler writes that in order to integrate mussar, one should observe carefully the words of the sages and try to visualize what they are saying.

“let your fellow’s honor be as dear to you as your own…” (Avos, 2:15) – observe and visualize how valuable your own honor is and then apply this regarding your fellow.

The same is true regarding “you shall love your fellow as yourself” – think about yourself and apply on your fellow.

In order to love and honor others “as yourself” firstly we have to love and honor ourselves.

R’ Adam Philip

Naming After Esav

There was a couple who had twin boys. The parents were called Yitzchak and Rivka and they thought it would be a good idea to name their twin boys Yaakov and Esav. Is it permissible to name a child after a rasha (wicked person)?

It is prohibitted to name someone after a rasha. And even more than this, even if the parents do not intend to name the child as a memory of that particular rasha rather for some other reason, it is still not allowed (Chashukei Chemed). Therefore the parents should not name one of their sons Esav.

Unfortunately, the parents were ignorant of this halacha and would not have been too bothered by it anyway, and named him Esav. Esav was not doing so well and needed a refuah shleima. He needed prayers. The question posed was how to davine for him (not wanting to mention his name).

Two suggestions were offered.
1) Davine for the mother, mentioning her name, and her son eg. Rivka bas Chana and the son that was born to her.
2) The local Rabbi could secretly add an appropriate name to the baby and then this name could be used to davine for the baby. We find a precedent for this with Moshe Rabbeinu. He had many names, one of them being Shmaya ben Nesanal. This name was not given to him by his parents but rather the Jewish people gave it to him (Yalkut Shimoni)
(V’Haarev Na)

Free Will or Predestination

And the children clashed within her (Bereishis 25:22).

Whenever she passed the entrances to the House of Study of Ever, Yaakov struggled to exit, [whenever] she passed the entrance to houses of idol worship, Esav struggled to exit (Rash) to Bereishis 25:22).

The Midrash cited by Rashi requires much study, for it seems to imply that Esav and Yaakov were already fixed in their tendencies to evil and righteousness, respectively, prior to birth. That would seem to contradict the very foundation of Torah: the principle of free will.

Rambam begins Hilchos De’os with a discussion of in-born personality traits and predispositions. For instance, he writes, some people are by nature cruel and others merciful. Yet Rambam in the fifth chapter of Hilchos Teshuvah is emphatic that a person’s nature does not cause him to be righteous or evil, merciful or cruel, wise or foolish, generous or stingy. The choice lies completely in his own hands. Aside from the apparent contradiction with Hilchos De’os, this statement is problematic for another reason. The assertion that wisdom or foolishness is not decreed seems to contradict the Gemara (Niddah 16b), which states clearly that wealth, strength, and intelligence are decreed at conception. Only whether one will be righteous or wicked is not decreed.

Resolution of the problem of in-born traits with individual free will is based on the following premise: While no two people are born with the same exact character traits, and those traits are influenced by many factors – including spiritual forces both prior to and at conception – these traits are not inherently good or bad. They are pareve. A predilection towards anger, for instance, is not necessarily an evil trait. There are situations when anger is required and is the correct response. Similarly, all natural traits and tendencies can be directed in both positive and negative directions. The tendency to shed blood, for instance, can be utilized as a shochet, a mohel, or surgeon, or it can be directed towards crime and murder. Although the character traits are predetermined, their function and control are totally in the hands of the individual. He exercises his free will in utilizing them for good or bad, and suppressing these tendencies when necessary.

Wisdom and intelligence are two distinct realms. One can have the IQ of a genius and act like a fool, and one can lack a high IQ and yet act with wisdom. Although intelligence is largely predetermined, as the Talmud states, whether one acts wisely or foolishly is, as Rambam writes, a function of one’s free will.

There is, however, one point that still needs to be clarified. While it is true that no single character trait or tendency is intrinsically good or bad, there are nevertheless certain traits that are more conducive to righteous conduct and those more prone to evil. A tendency towards anger, for example, is more prone to be abused, since there are more instances where anger is negative than where it is positive. By contrast, a natural tendency towards calmness is more prone to lead one to righteous conduct, since there are more instances where this behavior is positive than not.

Thus the difference in natural tendencies might seem to contain an element of injustice. But three points must be kept in mind. First, every person embodies a myriad of character traits. Though someone may be born with a trait that is predominantly negative, he will almost certainly have other traits that are predominantly positive. Secondly, Hashem takes into consideration one’s predispositions in determining the situations he will be confronted with in life. Finally, as the Vilna Gaon states, Hashem judges each individual in relation to his specific nature. Hence, a person prone to anger by nature will be judged less harshly if he succumbs to a fit of anger than a person who is by nature calm. Likewise, a person with a predisposition to anger will receive more reward for controlling his anger than a person with a calm disposition.

Considered in this light, the Midrash is not telling us that Yaakov and Esav were acting in a good or evil fashion prior to birth. Rather they displayed tendencies towards either the more spiritual aspects of this world or the more physical. The houses of Torah study represented the epitome of spirituality and those of idolatry the epitome of physicality (idol worship being the deification of physical forces).
(Rabbi Zev Leff)

Miller’s Musings Parshas Chayei Soroh: Get It All Out

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This week’s Miller’s Musings is sponsored לעילוי נשמת לאה בת אברהם ולרפואה שלימה למשה חיים בן מרים

Quote of the Week: “A ship is always safe at shore. But that’s not what it was built for.”

Miller’s Musings

Parshas Chayei Sarah

Get It All Out

He had shown himself willing to make the ultimate sacrifice. To give up that which was most precious to him and for the rest of his life, live with that choice. Avrohom had submitted himself to G-d’s will in the face of patent contradictions with what Hashem had told him would be and flagrant conflicts to his own teachings and life’s work. And after he had passed this almost unpassable test, he returned to find his beloved wife had died from the shock of what had almost occurred. What a tremendous test of Avrohom’s faith this must surely have been! And then to have to deal with the insufferable Ephron and his underhanded tactics to procure a place to bury Soroh. And yet, despite all this, this does not make it as one of the ‘ten trials of Avrohom’. Why ever not?

A common misconception is that a trial is there to determine the mettle of the person. To find out what they are capable of in trying times. But even the most perfunctory reflection on this suggestion would see that this is entirely illogical and impossible. For if this were the case, when it is Hashem that is administering the test, there would be absolutely no point. He of course already knows exactly what level a person is currently at and is abundantly aware of what this person is able to achieve. We instead understand a test to be as the Ramban explains it. A means by which to extract from within us all the hidden strengths and potential that without a test would otherwise be unearthed and left dormant. When we pass a test we unearth abilities that have, prior to this, been buried deep within us. These are perhaps concealed even to us and consequently require these trials in order for us to reach these higher spiritual planes. Therefore, says Reb Shammai Zahn זצ״ל,by the time Avrohom reached this moment of grief for his wife, his previous tests had raised him to such echelons that this presented no opportunity for further growth. He had already brought into actuality abilities even higher than those needed now, hence this could not be counted as a test.

Over our life we build up a picture of who we are and what we can achieve. It is based on what we see and experience, but according to what we have said, it can be entirely wrong. But worse than being incorrect, to have such limitations on oneself, can be incredibly stifling to one’s growth and restricting to who we can be. If we do not believe we can be more than we currently are, it can elicit a self-fulfilling prophecy whereby we have failed before we even begin a test. A true test brings out what we have not yet seen within ourselves but if we already decide that there is nothing more within us, what hope do we have! We must be absolutely clear in the knowledge that we have a potential far beyond our current perception of ourselves. And we must view each of life’s tribulations as an opportunity to discover new truths about who we can be. Understood in this way, the complexities and struggles of life are what allow us to be our better selves and attain the greatness we must strive for.

*May this Shabbos enable us to realise our potential and see clearly that it is there*

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Parshas Chayei Sarah

(This should be a merit for my father’s father, Yisroel Yitzchak Ben Azriel, whose yartzeit is today, Thursday)

Sarah passed away and Avraham sought to purchase a plot of land for her burial. He found some land. The owner, Ephron, told Avraham that he could have the plot for free, but in the end Avraham paid a fortune for it. When the Torah (23:16) relates Avraham paying for the field, Ehpron’s name is written without the letter vav (עפרן instead of עפרון). Ephron said a lot, he spoke a good game, but he did not do even a little (Rashi).

There is an additional idea here. King Solomon said, “Someone who has one hundred, wants two hundred” (Koheles 1:32). It follows then that the more money he has, the more money that he wants. And if he wants more, he is actually missing more. Therefore the Torah “missed out” a letter from Ephron’s name, because in reality, once he received the money from Avraham, he was not satisfied with just that money, rather he wanted more. He was missing more than before he received that money.

A person whose goal in life is to maximize his wealth will never be truly fulfilled. He will always be lacking. And the more he attains, the greater that lack.

Get To Know Yourself

In this week’s parsha, Chayei Sarah, we come across the episode in which Efron sold to Avraham, the field which he needed in order to have a place in which to bury his wife, Sarah. Efron, resembling the caricature of a used car salesman, begins by offering the field for free and yet by the time the deal was done, Efron had thoroughly “ripped off” Avraham, charging him an extortionate amount of money.

The Rabbis describe Efron’s behavior as being “wicked” because “he offered a lot and yet did little”. The commentators point out something very interesting. Nowhere is Efron criticized for being dishonest! It would appear that the rabbis understood that this failing of “offering a lot and doing little” is not rooted in being a liar, he truly meant his offer. So where exactly did Efron go wrong?

Efron had a grossly inflated perception of his own capabilities and therefore he convinced himself that he was able to give away a valuable piece of land, however as soon as he sensed a possible, significant financial gain, his true nature came to the fore.

We are being told that the trademark of a “rasha”, is to live in a fantasy dream world, a world in which he has no faults and no need for self improvement. Conversely, a righteous person knows himself- his strengths and his weaknesses.

The worst person of all to lie to, is to oneself.

R’ Ezer Pine

Fasting on the Day of the Wedding

Avraham sent his servant, Eliezer, to find a wife for Yitzchak. After discovering Rivka, Eliezer went to her home. Food was offered to him but he declined to eat until he had discussed a certain matter – the potential shidduch (Parshas Chayei Sarah 24:33). What was wrong with eating? They could have shared a nice meal, got friendly and then Eliezer could have suggested his proposal!

The custom is that the chasan and kallah fast on the day of their marriage (Rema). This is what Eliezer was doing (Kedushas Levi).

This seems difficult to understand. Eliezer himself was not marrying Rivka, rather he was going to act as an agent on behalf of Yitzchak to marry her! Why then did he fast? It was not the day of his wedding, rather it was the day of Yitzchak’s wedding!

There are different reasons behind the custom of fasting on the day of the wedding. Two reasons suggested (by the Pischei Tshuva) are firstly that the day of marriage is a day of atonement like Yom Kippur so we fast for atonement and secondly, to ensure that the man does not get drunk in a way that rumours will spread that he married her when drunk.

According to the first reason, that the wedding day is a day of atonement, then the chassan himself should be required to fast, even if an agent is acting on his behalf to marry someone. However, according to the second reason, avoiding getting drunk, if an agent is carrying out the marriage, the agent should be required to fast. According to this reason we can understand why Eliezer fasted even though he was not the man actually get married, rather he was just marrying Rivka on Yitzchak’s behalf. (Based on Magen Avraham, quoted in Chabatzeles HaSharon)